Just Another Day in Paradise

Eight and a half hours until I leave for the airport. I AM SO FLIPPING EXCITED!!!!! COSTA RICA HERE I COME!!!!!

I am so excited!!!! I'm planning my summer and granted everything goes as anticipated (unlikely, but hey, one can hope!):

I AM GOING TO COSTA RICA!!!!!!!!!!!

A last minute decision, completely off the cuff, but I am so excited. One of the most random and spontaneous things I've ever done. Tix were only $576, and I found some hostels for $6!!!! Eeek!

I'm leaving...oh shit, soon! June 22. I'm trying to sketch out a basic itinerary, which in theory includes a few days on the Carribean, a trip to Arenal (a volcano and lake) a hike up a mountain, and zipping on a harness over the rain forest. Who could ask for anything better than that??? I totally need this adventure.

Best brush up on my Spanish!

Also planning my trip to Berkely. I have a conference there and my mom is flying out to hang with me a few extra days. I'm excited for that as well. We'll be in San Fran...never been before! I hear the seafood is amazing.

I love having vacation time. THis trip is going to kill me financially for a bit, but oh my god is it worth it!!!!

One year ago today...fuck. One whole year. So why does it still feel like it was just yesterday? It's not that I'm not "over it". I am. Or as much as I think I may ever be...but a blow like that leaves residue. I have not walked away unscathed. Skittish. Stand-offish. Commitment-phobic. Emotionally unavailable. And pissed as hell that I let him affect me like this. I try to tell myself he's not worth my time or effort to let him get to me still, one year later. I try to tell myself that our relationship was doomed from the start, was never solid enough to last, and that it's not worth my time or effort protecting myself from it. But the ashes linger, choking me, smothering me with their stench, permeating my clothes, my hair, my life.

I try to tell myself that we spent almost three years together...this is going to take awhile. So why do I feel SO FUCKING STUPID! Why do I indulge in this miserable self-pity, this self-centered focus on my own stupid existence? So many people have it far worse than me. I have nothing to bitch about. But does that stop me? Apparently not.

Why can't I just get over it? Suck it up, Doman, Suck it up.

Sigh. I miss my old friends. I miss just hanging out and doing nothing and still having a good time. I don't miss college per say. I'm over that. But I miss the company. I feel like I see the same few people day in and day out, and even though I do go out with people, I feel little closeness.

It's a distinct possibility that it's my problem. I don't like to let people get too close, and as a result, my relationships remain superficial. It's how I protect myself--like a condom for the soul. But it's lonely sometimes. Unless, of course, I'm drinking in which case said soul condom breaks, wreaking havoc, and causing incredible amounts of anxiety the next day.


I get by, but it still makes me a little sad when I hear what others have done over the weekend, and realize I really didn't do jack shit.

Of course, I have my reasons for being completely asocial a majority of the time, and I'm working on it. But it's hard. It's damned hard.

One doctors appointment today, another one tomorrow... I'm so tired of being poked and prodded. Sigh.

And while I'm not going to work tomorrow, I don't even get to sleep in. Double sigh.

Haven't written in a long time...so very busy! And so, I update.

1. Legislative session has been going fantastically. It seems that most of the legislators are on our page...however, it's looking more and more like that so-called "surplus" isn't going to come to fruition. We shall see when the next forecast comes out.

2. Rally day was a good time, but a cold time! 700 odd students (including some high school students that came), huge media response (we were on every news channel that night!), and a surprise meeting with house speaker Keliher...one of our students set up this meeting and forgot to cancel it. Up to that point, we hadn't been able to meet with this woman AT ALL!!! (speaker has a busy schedule!) So our student tells us ten minutes before the meeting is supposed to begin, oh yeah, I forgot. I have this meeting I forgot to cancel...it was like Christmas! Fantastic.

3. The Cultural Diversity Conference was a SMASHING success! I am so proud of how it went. The students participated actively, the speakers all showed up, the rooms were all arranged...I am ridiculously pleased. Got a touch too drunk that Saturday night...(A pitcher of margarita on an empty stomach will do that to you!) but otherwise great.

4. I'm going to DC in March for a conference and lobby trip with the students. I found out I get to co-teach a session on organizing students at the conference. That should be fun. Then I'm going to stay through Saturday and see the sights of DC. It'll be good for me to have a bit of a break.

Unfortunately, other than work there isn't too much going on right now. Well, not truly exciting stuff anyways. Mostly I'm just exhausted from work most days, so I run to the gym, work out, and collapse into bed. But such is life. I love my job, I love my coworkers, I love my apartment...I just sort of wish I had some more time just for me. I'm stressed a good majority of the time, but that's nobody's fault but my own. Someday I'll learn balance, I swear.

St. Paul: You're less likely to be murdered here than in Minneapolis.

St. Paul: We've got hockey and a science museum.

St. Paul: Remember us? Please?

St. Paul: Civilization does not end when you cross the river.

St. Paul: Come on down! Just not after 5pm. That's our bedtime.

St. Paul: Grand Avenue is nice, right? Guys? Right?

St. Paul: Let's pretend Midway never happened.

St. Paul:The city of virtue to Minneapolis' sin.

St. Paul: No we're not in Wisconsin; we're your goddamn capitol you little shits.

Get lost in St. Paul! (because we don't number or alphabetize our fricking streets)

St. Paul: Putting the E in 35E

St. Paul: Gateway to Woodbury

St. Paul: Minor league baseball, major league egos

St. Paul: Enjoy a little backseat nookie with your pizza

St. Paul: Minneapolis' slutty little sister

St. Paul: Ugliest street whores in America

St. Paul: Oh dear god, I'm so alone...


*taken from MNspeak.com

Ugh, I'm in the same damn knitting crisis I got myself into last holiday season. I plan, and plan, and buy, and start all these projects, and then all of a sudden I wake up and realize Thanksgiving is all of two days away and all my projects are still on the needles.

So I'm trying a cut and I don't think it's going to work, so I apologize in advance!

( A pathetically long list of projects )

2 more hours and GOTV/election day is over here in Bemidji. A 14 hour day yesterday, a 15 hour day by the time I make it home this evening...I've worked over a half a week in 2 days! Oh well, I knew long hours were in order when I took this job. But I still can't wait for election day to be over.

It will be interesting to listen to the results. In brief reprieve of my non-partisanship (part of the job) I truly hope the dems take control. What a blow it would be if even after such a huge drop in Bush's approval rating the dems still didn't get control of the house. But only time will tell.

Food, warm socks, and my own bed. That's all I need right about now to be perfectly happy.

My new apartment is great! I love, love, love love it! Everything seems to fit, everything is almost close to being put together, and YAY! My mattress in the sky is going to take some getting used to, but other than that, it's all pretty damned good. Oh, and I think my oven came unplugged because I went to make scrambled egg beaters this morning and lo and behold no amount of waiting caused my eggs to solidify. So I tentatively touched the burner. Cold. Ice cold. My initial diagnosis is either a.) I don't know how to work a stove or b.) the damn thing came unplugged. So moral of the story is, no eggs for me.

MY APARTMENT IS SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!

I am now the proud renter of a shoe box sized studio apartment on Cathedral Hill. I love it. It's tiny, but the neighborhood is amazing, I can hear the cathedral bells from my apartment, I can walk to a bunch of bars, coffeshops, etc., and I'm only 3 minutes from my work. I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!!!! I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!!

Best Friday the thirteenth EVER! (Knock on wood!)

Fucking snow. It's not even the middle of october and it's already snowing. Remind me again why I stay it this stupid, god-forsaken state? Oh yeah. Because I'm lazy.

Going to a grad school fair on Wednesday. Maybe that will kick my ass in gear.

Important decisions to be made...got an email that I need to make a decision on. One of those decisions that suck either way you choose, so which is the better of the two evils? If I wait too much longer, I'm essentially making a horrible, horrible long-term decision for myself, but if I don't, I might lose my job, or at least my reputation as a good employee (not to mention a goodly amount of my pride). Hard to explain in my cryptic manner. Blech. Possibly more on that at a later date.

So yeah, I'm cranky. Snow makes me cranky. Being cold makes me cranky. Big decisions make me cranky. Oh well, at least I have Carrie time and the good luck party Friday, and Menomonie with the girls on Saturday. If you can't deal with life, may as well take a mini, alcohol soaked weekend vacation.

I GOT A NEW CAR!!!!! A 2007 Saturn Ion, silver, pretty generic, but NEW! And MINE! That makes me happy. So yeah, good times. New car times! Yay!

So I got back from the September conference--what a trip. It was all around a pretty good time. Definitely a learning experience and a test of my patience. But I think we got some good things accomplished in both General Assembly and the Board Meeting. It was a bit intense at times, but altogether very productive.

Went to this little townie bar called Keg and Cork. It's hilarious! I totally want a t-shirt from there. Greatest moment of the night? Convincing one of my coworkers who never plays darts that if he licked the dart tips, they would stick in the board better. Yeah me, I'm mean!

Just me and my coworker in the office today, and I'm having a really hard time motivating myself. We've started doing "employee jumping jacks" to keep ourselves warm. Winter's going to be a bitch my friends. My fingers are a permanent shade of lavender...not so attractive.

But things go well enough. I'm a bit stressed out by life in general. Still basically living out of my car, though at least i have a sort of set up at my moms. It's hard, though, because she lives so far away from my work. Plus, it's hard because I've been pretty well on my own since my senior year of highschool, so going back to living in her place, having her worry about whether I come home or not, etc. is really difficult. She mentioned that I have pretty well lived out of my car for five full months. Wow. No wonder I'm unbalanced! Hehe.

Nothing else much going on. Just bored!

Bored bored bored at work. Can't concentrate...I've finished my to do list, and i"m sure there are other projects I could be working on, but I'm soooo distractable today I can barely function.

What's new in my life...hmmmmmm.

Busy dress shopping for the benefit dinner. Was more than slightly excited when I accidently put on a size 6 dress that was mislabeled as being a 12 and it actually zipped. A tad tight, but hell, it was a freaking size 6!

Ummm, other than that I'm boring. Work. Hang out. Work. Work out. Work out. Work. Hang out a bit more....tedious at times, but not bad. So yeah...

Random fact of the day: I just joined a powder-puff fantasy football league with my sister today. Why? I have no idea. I hate football. But maybe it could be fun? At least I'll meet some new people...random, random, random.

Carebear's fine. Baby Avalon Rose is perfect and beautiful and fine. A few rather serious complications at the end, but after 35 odd hours of labor, that's kind of expected. I don't know how I did, but it was a pretty amazing process.

Though it meant spending my birthday in the hospital, I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything in the world. The opportunity to be with her through this process was the best birthday present ever! I am so incredibly proud of her and what she accomplished. She brought a life into this world without complaint, on her own, and I am so beyond proud of her I can't even believe it. I pray that one day I can have even half the strength of that woman. She's faced so many shitty situations, and made the absolute best of each and every one of them. She is truly my hero.

To Carebear...a proverbial toast to all you have taught me about life, strength, and the power an independent woman weilds over her own life.

Carebears water broke at 3 this morning. On our way to a doctors appointment, but it's coming soon I think! Happy Birthday me! Best birthday present EVER!!!! I'm so excited! But incredibly nervous too....

Back from the north country...everything went pretty well, all things considering. I hate being the new girl. I spend way too much time trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, and not enough time feeling effective. I know that will change in due time, but for the present, it pretty much sucks. But, since I have no clue what I'm doing three quarters of the time, I do what I do best. MSU, baby, make shit up!

Bemidji is gorgeous. I've semi fallen in love with that town. Ask me again come February and see what I have to say, though. It sucks sometimes to be a creature of duality. There's a part of me that thinks, "god, how great would it be to settle down in a cute little house, in a cute little town and know all my neighbors and have a white picket fence and a big yard with a playset for the 2.5 kids.

Then there's the part of me that knows without a doubt that living in a small town would kill my soul. I need excitement, change, people and noise and life beyond gossiping about the neighbors. I need the city.

But I need the fresh air, and the escape, and the lake and hiking and everything that goes with living in a small town.

Damn dualities. Meh, I have plenty of time to figure it all out! No rush.